“Every single relationship you will ever have in your lifetime is going to end,” writes author Ann Patchett in This is the Story of a Happy Marriage.
But if you’re lucky—and smart—there’s one that won’t.
There’s one relationship that unlike any other, you have complete control over. As long as you don’t give it up, it will be with you your entire life.
A comforting thought, isn’t it?
Writers Must Embrace Their Relationship to Creativity
Billy Joel wrote a song he recorded with the great Ray Charles in the later 1980s entitled “This Baby Grand.” When it first came out it struck a chord in me, not only because I’d played the piano since I was five years old, but because it was the first time I’d heard someone else describe his relationship with an instrument as just that—a relationship.
I’d often felt the same thing—like when I sat down to play the piano, I was spending time with a friend. The feelings I had when playing music were similar to those I felt when spending time with people I cared about—a feeling of safety, joy, and even empathy.
I’ll refrain from quoting Joel’s lyrics (due to copyright laws), but you can find them easily enough by Googling the song. Suffice to say that Joel talks about how the piano comes through when he’s feeling down and lonely, and how “she’s” the only one who can.
He also talks about how the piano is loyal, and always there for him, even when women are not.
As I grew as a musician and later started writing, I realized that this feeling is not just about an instrument, or a particular type of art—it’s about the magical relationship that exists between a person and his or her own creativity.
Says Mihaela Ivan Holtz, Doctor in Clinical Psychology, “You, the creative, you live through your art and your art lives through you. This is the love affair you have with your creativity.”
Do you feel this way about your writing, or your art? Do you sense a relationship between two separate but intertwined entities?
It’s not a farfetched feeling. In fact, most creatives would describe a similar sort of relationship, though they may use different terms to explain it. The good news is, if you embrace this idea, it can actually help you to become not only more creative, but to experience more often the joy and fulfillment that comes from expressing that creativity.
When Things Go Wrong Between You and Your Creativity
Once you accept that this thing between you and your creativity is a relationship, it’s easier to understand that it is subject to the same problems that can affect other relationships. It can suffer from lack of attention. Negative emotions can interfere with communication. Anxiety can paralyze interaction.
Sometimes things are great, and every project you work on feels like true joy. Other times your creativity seems to abandon you to accomplish the day’s work on your own. When things go really wrong, it can seem like the two of you aren’t even talking to one another anymore.
Seeing things from this point of view can help you gain a better understanding of what’s going on when you go through difficult periods in your writing life. When you have writer’s block, for example, or when what you do write doesn’t seem to make you happy, if you think about in terms of this relationship, it can help you to solve problems more effectively.
“The relationship between a writer and their creativity is just that: a relationship,” says fantasy author Kristin Kieffer. “And healthy relationships require that each partner nurtures the other.”
For most writers, creativity is essential to well-being and happiness. When something isn’t right with the relationship, it can cloud everything else in life, making not just the writing but other things harder, too.
Think back to when you were a child. Most likely, your relationship with your creativity then was open, accepting, and nonjudgmental. You and your creativity were friends, and that was that. You created because you wanted to, and your creativity responded by indulging your imagination and giving free reign to your fanciful ideas. On the whole, it was fun spending time with creativity. It was comforting, perhaps even transcendent.
As you got older, however, you may have noticed that your relationship changed. You became concerned about what others thought about your commitment to this part of you. You started more harshly judging the projects you did together. You worried that the time you were spending with this entity was abnormal, or somehow labeled you as “different.” You became demanding, expecting your creativity to help you make money, gain recognition, and make external changes in your life.
You may not have been aware of these changes, but you may have noticed the symptoms. They include:
- Writer’s block
- Creative anxiety
- Discouragement
- Lack of motivation
- Self-doubt
- Depression
- Feeling disconnected
You can add to this list other things that you may feel when the writing just isn’t going “right.”
“When you suffer this kind of rupture between yourself and your creativity,” writes Holtz, “you are disconnected from what matters the most to you, that inner energy that needs to be expressed through making art. After all, you are an artist. Your life is about creating. You must create to feel alive.”
I’d go so far as to say that just about anytime you’re not happily creating, it’s probably because something’s wrong with your relationship to your creativity.
And that’s actually good news, because with a little focused attention, you can heal that relationship.
5 Ways to Nurture Your Relationship with Your Creativity
The best way to figure out what’s going on with your relationship is to get away for a few hours and think about it. Let go of all the worries of the day and travel inside yourself to where your creativity lives. What’s going on there? What do you find? If you were to talk to your creativity, what would it say?
In addition to doing your own exploring, try these five tips to nurture this most important relationship, realizing that for you, as a creative, it may be the most important one when it comes to your long-term happiness and well being.
1. Take Your Creativity on a Date
When was the last time you spent some time away, just you and your creativity? If you’ve been trying to snatch quick moments here and there to write, it could be that your relationship is wavering due to lack of attention.
Head out to a local coffee shop, just you and your notebook, or take a walk in the park dedicated to daydreaming. Get away for the weekend if you can, and go see something new. Think about what your creativity would enjoy, and do that. Shed the stress and the guilt and go completely self-indulgent for at least a few hours, and see what happens.
2. Learn More About It
One of the ways to reawaken any relationship is to learn more about it. Consider taking a writing class or creativity course—one that interests you. Would you like to learn more about characterization, or how your imagination works?
Get online and sign up for an at-home learning course, or head out to a writing or other creative conference and have some fun. Explore this other side of you. You’re likely to discover things that reignite your interest and fascination.
3. Let Go of Judgment
Have at least one creative project you’re working on—whether it’s writing or not—that you simply allow to be, without judgment. Feel free with your creativity on this project. See it as the “fun one” that you work on when you don’t have the stamina or energy for your other projects.
It’s important to remember what it feels like to create without worry. Allow yourself to play, and you’ll be more likely to bring that playful nature into your other projects, too.
4. Acknowledge Your Emotions
Often when we feel negative emotions, we run away from them, ignore them, or shove them under the rug. As long as you do this, your relationship with your creativity will continue to deteriorate.
Instead, bring these emotions out into the open. Spend some time journaling about them. How do you feel about your writing right now? If you’re avoiding it, why? Dig down deep until you get to the source of these feelings, then bring them to the front of your awareness where you can deal with them.
The most important thing is to have the courage to be with these emotions, to experience them, to grieve over them if you want to. Open up and allow yourself to be vulnerable. Go through the experience, and you’ll likely find that it helps you reconnect to your creativity again.
5. Examine Your Current Writing Life
After you’ve been writing for a while, you may find that you’re just going through the motions because you think you’re supposed to. You’re writing every day. You’re putting out a book a year. You’re maintaining a website and social media presence. Blah blah blah.
But is your writing contributing to your emotional well-being, or is it causing you pain? Think back to why you started writing in the first place. Most likely, it brought you joy at one time. If it’s not doing that anymore, something needs to change.
Don’t be afraid to step back and allow yourself some time to examine how you’re approaching this writing life. You’re in charge. You can make changes. Maybe you’d prefer another type of writing or writing career. Maybe you can pursue a different project. Or perhaps your creativity would thrive with another type of artistic expression altogether, such as music or painting.
Keep fear out of it. Explore ways that you enjoy your creativity again. It’s totally natural in any relationship to evolve—to do different things than you did when you started out. Allow your relationship with your writing and your creativity to evolve, too, in ways that support rather than discourage your happiness.
“You and your creativity are bound to evolve in time,” writes Kieffer. “Enter your relationship with the knowledge that its dynamics are going to change, and you’ll find the flexibility you need to keep your creative passions feeling fresh.”
How do you nurture your relationship with your creativity?
Sources
Goodreads. (n.d.). A quote from This Is the Story of a Happy Marriage. Retrieved from https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/519929-listen-she-said-everything-ends-every-single-relationship-you-will
Holtz, M. I. (2018, November 22). Love and Creativity: Handling anxiety, anger, energy through art. Retrieved from https://creativemindspsychotherapy.com/2018/02/21/creativity-love-affair/
Kieffer, K. (2018, December 19). How to Rediscover Your Love for Writing. Retrieved from https://www.well-storied.com/blog/rediscover-your-love-for-writing
One thing that helps me is to enjoy other creative projects when writing is stalled for some reason. I like to experiment with photography, crochet a baby blanket in unusual colors, spend an afternoon with watercolors, or try a new recipe (with my own changes to the recipe to suit my personal taste preferences).
That helps me too, Pat. For me it usually involves some sort of music-related activity or design, but it’s interesting how tapping into our creativity in other ways can open up the doors in our brains.
Definitely found that I need a “tune-up” on my relationship to writing. I’m in the process of my 2nd draft and it seems that it’s stale and I seem to be editing so much that my creativity is lacking. I need to take a break and get out and be open to new ideas and stimulation to put new ideas into writing. Thanks for giving me insight as to why I’m drifting rather than focused on my creative endeavors.
So get this, Kathy. The same thing happens to me in the second (or 3rd, 4th, etc.) draft. It does help to approach it from a different direction. I love Steven Horowitz’s book, “Blueprint Your Bestseller” as it gives you an entirely new way to break your story down and then build it back up again. Good luck!
As somebody new to writing, I’ve found this article really interesting and helpful reading. I’m in the process of trying to write a children’s book and these pointers will definitely give me confidence to continue when I feel that I’m stalling. Point 4: Acknowledge Your Emotions is particularly salient at the moment as I’m trying to understand what my creativity is exactly and how to deal with it waxing and waning. Thank you, this is a great support!
So glad to hear that, Lizzy. Yes, it can be tough to figure out all the nuances of the relationship but definitely worth exploring. Good luck on that children’s book! :O)