Check With Your Inner Voice Before Marriage

Filed in Finding & Following Your Voice, Who Supports Your Writing Dreams? by on May 16, 2011 • views: 479

Why do people get married? Our current divorce rate of about 50 percent in the United States predicts that one out of every two marriages will end in divorce. So what makes one couple think they can beat the odds? What makes them want to try?

Asking yourself these questions before marriage may help increase your odds of enjoying a long and successful partnership. If you don’t ask yourself why you’re getting married—and in particular, if you don’t consult your inner voice about the matter—you could be setting yourself up for a very painful disintegration of your relationship.

You may answer, “Because I love him (or her).” But why do you love her? What is it about her that makes you love her? Keep asking and keep digging, because sometimes, your feelings can play tricks on you. Some common scenarios that may lead you astray include the following:

1) He/she possesses traits that you yourself have, but have yet to express. Often we choose partners who embody the unlived aspects of ourselves. “He’s so successful” may express an unconscious wish for success within yourself. “She’s so beautiful—she turns all the guys’ heads,” may express an unconscious desire within you for more attention and adoration. It’s difficult to see these hidden desires at first, but later in the relationship, you may find yourself resenting the very quality that drew you to the other person in the first place. “He thinks he’s so great—I’m just as accomplished as he is.” Or, “I have girls that think I’m good looking, too.” Ask yourself what it is about the person that you admire, and then turn it around—is this a trait you’d like to have yourself? Could you later resent this person for “hogging the spotlight” around that particular trait?

2) He/she is fulfilling a need for you. The most common scenario here is: girl gets pregnant, and guy agrees to marry her so they can raise the child. May be admirable, but it’s a marriage of mutual need fulfillment, which is often doomed to failure. Both parents may eventually resent the fact that they “gave away” their chance at real love, and take the anger out on each other. Other common scenarios include the woman who wants someone to take care of her, so she marries a wealthy man, or the man who wants someone to cook and take care of the kids, so he marries a nurturing woman. These may seem like good arrangements, but human beings aren’t businesses, and “mutual agreements” rarely lead to lasting bliss.

3) He/she is probably the best you’ll ever find. If you’re honest with yourself, you’ll realize that somewhere inside, you feel like you’re settling. But hey, your friends, family, and even the dog think he’s great, and you’ll probably never find anything better, and he’s got a good job and is basically a good guy, so better jump while you can, right? Sure, if you want to spend years down the road kicking yourself and feeling like somehow you missed out, and meanwhile, blaming your partner with masked insults and withheld affection.

There are several other scenarios that could come into play when people are considering marriage. The important thing is to take some quality time to consult with that quiet voice within. All those other voices should mean nothing—and will mean nothing when it’s you and you alone struggling with the decision of whether or not to divorce years down the road.

“When you were choosing your life partner,” writes blogger Gomathi Reddy, “there was this inner voice telling you it won’t work and yet you were confused. You didn’t want to disappoint your parents and you bought their arguments that he was from a good family, can take care of you…but you knew all along that something was amiss, but you still went by logic and external guidance – and then over a period of abuse and indignity, you begin to lose faith in the institution called marriage!”

Don’t let this be you. Dig deep to find out why you’re marrying this person. You owe it to him/her, and to yourself. If you come up with questions and you’re not sure of the answers, take some time to do additional inner exploration. Remember that you’re deciding what sort of life you’ll be living from here on out—be kind to yourself by making the best decision for you.

© Talltrevor | Dreamstime Stock Photos & Stock Free Images

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